POWER SHIFT
There was a time in my life when I begged and I pleaded
I swallowed my pride, and many times, I conceded
To your whims, fits and tantrums, not giving thought to what I’ve been through
Anything to stay on your good side I surrendered and I’ve given in to
Hoping to access the love that you told me was mine
But I guess what they say is true, it’s a wicked generation that seeks a sign
And even sadder are those who don’t see the sign, walking around with blinders on
I was so sprung and so whipped, I couldn’t see you doing wrong
And when I did catch you slippin’, and could have ranted, raved and flipped
You knew you had me wrapped around your finger; went on and flipped the script
And just to keep you in my life … just to make life livable
I went ahead and did the unthinkable … I forgave the unforgiveable
You gave me enough just to pacify me and to sooth my angry side
To, once again, take me on an emotional roller coaster ride
Sending me through ups and downs; the twist and turns, and unintended pitches and rolls
Looking for you when you weren’t home … going out on patrols
It seemed the more I begged and pleaded the more cruel you became
The things I gave in to and condoned added to the shame
Of a man who traded his self esteem for an emotional attachment borne out of sex
That turned into an abusive relationship that for me, grew more and more complex
I would have fits and nervous breakdowns when you decided not to come home
I would have panic attacks and other ailments when you decided to leave me alone
My heart would long for you so bad that my grey skies never cleared
The changes I went through with your selfish love, my smile disappeared
The tears I shed in my pillow case flowed until my eyes were dry
You gotta’ figure that you’ve really hurt a real man if you made him cry
But I never showed you my tears, simply out of sheer contempt
I would never let you see that side of my humanity, of which none were exempt
I grew to hate the woman I fell in love with, but I loved you all the same
My mind, body and soul would go through instant extremes at the mention of your name
I had all but lost myself in trying to satisfy your love, in all that a desperate man does
I was but steps away in losing the identity of the man that I was
One day it dawned on me as if a special delivery just arrived
My begging and pleading was the source of power from which you derived
Your cruelty and control, your mean-streak and wicked ways
That brought about so many tears that my eyes glossed over in a glaze
I stared into space recounting what I was putting in versus what was getting out
And really, really thinking what this relationship was all about
For you, it was convenience, a place to stay and rest your head
For me, it was love and an intimacy that went unspoken and unsaid
It was then that I stopped begging for what you said was mine
And for a minute, you continued to throw your tantrums and whine
Then after a while the whining turned into accusations of not being true to you
Then the accusations turned into terms of endearment with phrases like “I love you boo”
With the utmost contempt for your wicked ways I offered no response
Even when your terms of endearments turned into juvenile tempered taunts
And when there was no response to the taunting, and no listening to reason
As it was with Satan tempting Jesus, you ran and left me for a season
It seems now you’re the one begging and pleading for the affection that was once yours
But to al the things you represent … I just simply closed my doors
You’re of no consequence to me now that I’ve grown a thick skin to your attack
Now that I’ve stopped begging and pleading, I’ve gotten my power back
A fact that dawned on you when you returned, and thought it strange
When you found that you couldn’t get back in, you knew there was a change
Though you tried to appeal with the utmost sincerity and many tears you would churn
Met with a closed door and a deaf ear you realized soon enough that you could not return
I heard your cries and felt your pain; I even felt the depths of your soul
My heart went out to your pleas and on my former self would’ve taken it’s toll
But every time I heard and saw you my mind toggled like a switch
I could hear my thoughts saying “My Baby” but even louder “That ***!”
There was a definite shift in power, more and more I was seeing
At stake, the battle for my personal happiness and emotional well being
A definite test and trial … a lesson I learned the hard way
A power shift, tipping the balance of power, shaping me into the man I am today
Written by: Charles (a.k.a. K-JiO)
© 2008
|